Category: Life & Other Concepts

Sometimes, as I watch the sun rise and bring light slowly to the world, I close my eyes and quiet my mind enough to let it run.  My thoughts flatten and spread out to infinity like the smooth surface of the ocean.

As I expand outward through the universe, I become smaller. Just a hint of life sitting by an arc of a tear on a tiny blue marble spinning impossibly close to a bright speck of fire in an immense cold black void.  Farther and farther I go and smaller and smaller I become.

Yet, when I finally open my eyes… Ahhh there’s the sun!

My journey into the deep dark vacuum is ended in an instant as I’m snapped back to me like a rubberband finally released from an impossible stretch.

There’s warmth and beauty and truth and air… and me, sitting on the sand, profoundly lucky to be part of it all.

A good candle burns smooth and clean. The flame blazing, yet consistent. A good candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. Its power is not lessened. Its brilliance is not challenged. Its fire kindles another, flares briefly with the union, and then settles back to itself. A good candle’s wick is perfectly centered. It burns straight and true. A good candle is formed from pure wax that is all consumed leaving no trace when, at last, its flame turns to a drift of smoke and ghostly fades away. What is left is the radiance and vitality of all the other candles touched by its existence as they burn on.

My father in law, Dick Shelling, was a great candle. His light brought three wonderful children into this world. He continues to shine in their eyes and those of his 7 beautiful grandchildren. His fire is active and thriving in his three stepsons as well as the thousands of patients and their families his skill as a healer and mentor touched.

His flame was buffeted with gusts of life and puffs of fate, but he was centered in his being and his firm sense of right and service. He remained constant and strong and bright.

He lived a modest and purposeful life. His accomplishments are storied and he left us with no regrets when his flame finally slept.

His warmth and energy live on. His love and power are not extinguished, they have just been transformed and transferred. I feel him now. I love him now. He will ever continue to be a guiding light in my world and all who knew him.

He was a good friend. He was a great doctor. He was the best dad and Poppy.

We burn in his honor.

ppy

Growing older, but never up! Age is just a number and maturity is just a state of mind. As each year passes, I still feel basically the same as I did in this picture from my birthday in 6th grade. I really don’t think my brain has changed all that much. Granted, this often causes behavior leading to much frustration and embarrassment of my wife and kids. Sorry. 
Thank you for all the great birthday wishes yesterday. It’s definitely one of the best things about Facebook. That said, if “sleep is the rehearsal for death” as Socrates is to have postulated, then waking up each day can be thought to be your “re-birth.” Following that stretchy line of thinking, than every day is my birthday, or perhaps my “re-birthday.”
I can eat cake and blow out candles and feel good because people care about me every day. That’s right! From now on, every damn day is my birthday!!
My neighbor’s daughter is turning 8 today and there’s a party going on at her home right now. There’s a bounce house and she’s running around and screaming. Dogs are barking. There’s the sound of laughter and joy.
Laughter and joy. Two of the best things ever. Well, since today is my birthday again, I’ll resolve to fill it with all good feelings. If the Jets win, there will be slightly more joy. If I’m with friends, there’ll be slightly more laughter.
Love, laughter, joy, pain, worry, anticipation, satisfaction, uncertainty, hope – all the myriad of threads that are knitted together with the dueling needles of stress and peace to bind them in the mosaic pattern that is each one of us. Enjoy the day! It’s your re-birthday too!

THE NEW YEAR (a few thoughts from an imperfect mind.)
THE TICK OF THE CLOCK.
THE TURN OF THE PLOT.
The “What did I do?”
The “What did I not?”

THE PRECIOUS PICTURES TAKEN.
THE MOMENTS IN AMBER CAUGHT.
The rushing too fast to savor.
The next thing to be sought. 

THE HAND YOU OFFERED.
THE ADVICE THEY DID TAKE.
The ones you ignored.
The eyes you forsake.

THE PRESENT OF THE PRESENT.
THE INSTANT MOST DEAR.
The day spent coasting.
The footprints not clear.

THE DINNER TOASTED WITH STORIES.
THE CANDLE GLOWS WITH SHARED FIRE.
The food that gets wasted.
The gossip that won’t tire.

THE SLEEP OF THE UNBURDENED.
THE FORGIVENESS’ FEEL.
The chaotic mind whirling.
The running on the hamster’s wheel.

THE QUIET STIRRING OF OATMEAL.
THE SILENCE FILLED WITH GREAT PEACE.
The cup looking quite empty.
The envy that won’t cease.

THE GIFT OF A SMILE.
THE WARMTH REFLECTS BACK.
The parties uninvited.
The friends that you lack.

THE SHOW THAT INTRIGUED.
THE ESCAPE OF THE BOOK.
The shatter of glass.
The harsh word you took.

THE LAUGHING WITH ABANDON.
THE HEART ON A GREAT RIDE.
The deep fire of anger.
The foolish dance of righteous pride.

THE PROMISE OF A SUNRISE.
THE SPLENDOR OF THE MOON.
The loss of those passing.
The saying goodbye too soon.

FOCUS ON THE FIRST.
LET LOOSE OF THE LAST.
Cherish all the good.
The time goes too fast.

A DAY.
A YEAR.
A LIFE.
AMEN.

Happy new year. May it be one of joy, laughter and growth.

Thursday morning started out wrong. I didn’t sleep great and woke up foggy. I said to my wife “boy, I’m so tired.” I forced myself through my routine, still in a slow minded funk. It was a racquetball morning, so I was leaving early with my daughter, Hannah. I had to get out the door by 7:25 am. Had to. She was running a little slow unfortunately. We didn’t leave until 7:35. Frustrated, since the traffic with that 10 minute delay is much worse, I stewed in the driver’s seat as we pulled away from the house. Uggh! Trigger.
I get stuck behind someone texting instead of taking a right on red when he could have. Now we have to wait for all the left turners coming the other way. DAMN IT! Trigger.
The school drop off was way backed up and when I was finally close, there’s a dad talking to his daughter through his window holding up the whole line for what seemed forever!! Trigger!
Every red light on the rest of the way to the gym!! Trigger. Trigger. Trigger.
I pull in and follow a woman to her car since the gym lot is full. She gets in her car and just sits there. Sits there! Two minutes go by and she still hasn’t pulled out. I jump out of my car and walk up to hers. She’s just talking on her phone. I tap on her window and ask “Are you leaving?” she says, “Not yet, sorry.” TRIGGER!
Events conspire against me. I revel in my misfortune – screaming at the lights, cursing the people, letting my blood pressure rise and my face turn a reddish purple while my fists clench the wheel maniacally.
I finally park and get into the gym. My turn comes to step on the court.
I’m fully awake. My nervous energy is off the charts.

Racquetball is a thoughtful game. Unfortunately, I had no coherent thoughts in my head as we began to play. My opponent was warmed up and ready. At once, he had me running all over the place. I was swinging wildly and then running some more. I guess I wasn’t even breathing well, because at the end of a very long ugly point, I stood up, took a quick breath, and felt the world start to close in on me. I must have been holding my breath for most of the point and I came close to blacking out.

I knelt down and took some long deep breathes. The lights that were blazing across my eyes slowly went from an incredible fireworks show to just a few shooting stars. My head started to clear and I was no longer circling the deep abyss. I took a break for a few minutes off the court.

I like to think that I’m pretty mentally healthy. That I know my amigdala (the oldest, most reptilian, most powerful part of our brain) doesn’t have much higher thought, it just reacts. Triggered by a stimulus to fight, flight or freeze. I know I was being triggered left and right that morning and did nothing to help my recovery. I just let myself get provoked and live in the dark side of self pity and matredom.

It took almost passing out to snap me out of it. As I drank some water and let my breathing get stronger, I went over the morning.

First mistake. Thinking and saying “I’m tired.” Your thoughts and your words become your reality. I will try not to do that again. I’ll choose an attitude of gratitude for the thousands of good things that I have.

All the events that happened didn’t need to effect me in such a drastic way.
Forgiveness, rather than anger, was the way to go. No time like the present.
I forgave Hannah for not getting ready so quickly in the morning – the delay gave me a few more minutes in the car with my beautiful, precious daughter.
I forgave the person texting rather than making the right on red – they may have been replying to a sick parent frantic about finding their medication.
I forgave the dad at pickup – his daughter may have been nervous about a test that day and he was telling her that he loved her no matter how she did and to just do her best.

I forgive the woman who sat in her parked car in the lot not pulling out for me – she was probably blissfully unaware that I was waiting and the call she was on was important.

Lastly, and most importantly, I forgave myself. I can be grumpy. I can get frustrated and irritable. I can behave irrationally and counter to my best interests. I can make insensitive and inappropriate comments. I do all of those things sometimes. But I also try to improve everyday. I try to evolve and learn everyday. I try to be a better father, husband, brother, son, friend, co-worker, leader, teammate, competitor, neighbor, marketer, vendor, customer, American and human being.

One minute of introspection. From triggers to gratitude and forgiveness.

The brain is a very powerful weapon. Controlling your thoughts determines whether you’ll tell yourself a good story today or a destructive one.
Make it a good one.